DeadInside/429 Feb 13thSo, I've been feeling rather drained lately... of energy, happiness, or any motivation to do much of anything.
On top of that, I have my long-term depression to deal with, which actually drove my boyfriend to tears a couple of days ago over a suicidal statement I had made.
Usually, after someone has a 'negative' experience relating to suicide (saddened friends or family, death of a friend, or whatever in fuck), they have this 'life-changing epiphany', where they 'will never think about suicide ever again'.
Ah, to have such naïevity myself... I'm on a steady downwards decline, and everybody around me knows this. They'll pretend to give half a shit when I am dead, hanging from a rope in my back-yard, perhaps with some sleep-pills or lye in hand.
In truth, I don't give a shit about all that 'non-suicidal happiness' shit... it simply is not real to me. I feel bad when bringing it up to my boyfriend, because he always gets so sad about it, wanting to prevent it... but we both know that it's going to end badly. I don't really know why he bothers sometimes, even though I love him so much...
I think that, subconciously, I feed on such a strong, shocked reaction... on a purely emotional level, I hate to 'manipulate' my friends and family in such a way. But maybe on a psychological level (on the same plane as my vampyrism), I feed from it... ironically, it may be the only thing that keeps me alive.
I just don't know about much of anything any more. Nothing is worth anything... but so is life, I suppose. I should probably get to bed now, as it's 5:05 AM here, but I really don't care... my insomnia won't let me go to sleep anyway. So fuck it.