DeadInside/437 Mar 2ndSo... no updates from me lately, mostly because I haven't been in much of the mood to write. Sorry about that.
From where we left off before, hm... to be honest, my life is not much better, and is in fact worse. My pet and I have no contact, which I have grown to accept... and in all honesty, I don't even consider him to *be* my pet anymore.
He clearly does not take this sort of relationship seriously, so I see no reason to keep him. *Shrugs* It is a waste of my time. Especially considering that he has a boyfriend now (without asking for my permission beforehand... a major no-no if you're already owned). Faggot.
That aside, my own boyfriend has begun to stop talking to me, too... and I'm starting to think that he doesn't love me at all, to be quite frank. He says 'I really love you' on the rare occasions that we *do* speak, and acts all frantic when I bring the subject up, but... really, I think I am just his crutch.
A crutch he no longer needs, but can't bother to drop (so to say) and stop using. It's depressing, and I think about it often. But so is life... I really do hope that he loves me. I say he uses me as a crutch, and that I don't think he loves me, but... I love him, and I do still want to be in this relationship with him.
I just don't want it to be fake 'just for me'... especially if he's seeing another girlfriend behind my back. You know? I'm not even the jealous type, generally... but that concept is offensive to me.
And in general, I've been extremely cold (physically and emotionally), depressive, and lethargic, with no outward source (though the aforementioned things may have a part in it)... ho-hum.
In slightly less depressing news, a new friend of mine introduced me to a new band I like the other day, called Khanate... I highly reccomend them to anyone that likes doom metal, or minimalistic metal in general. You can see the music video for one of their songs (Dead) here; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2Ag4B4m0Cs
That's all for now, but... there is probably more in the future. I will, of course, let you all know if I do decide to off myself. Hehe.
Farewell ~ DeadInside/433 Feb 16thHm... today wasn't really that bad, nor was yesterday. I went out to the arcade last night and played one of my favourite dancing games for about an hour, and then I drank a fuckton of energy-drinks (which led to me crashing today as a result).
That aside, my bipolarism only acted up once or twice, and things were okay today... I did get into a fight with a cloes friend and pet (bondage partner/submissive), but thankfully I was able to resolve it. I hate arguing with people that I love... it just kills me, even when we resolve it. I hope not to have another incident like that... DeadInside/431 Feb 14thOf course, when I write these entries describing my every day life, one must realize that there are certain details I omit because they become practically an every-day thing to me.
Such as... my fucking cunt of a mother being an abusive, smart-ass bitch to me on a nearly hourly basis, my bad bladder acting up every few minutes (causing me to take a piss for a large portion of the day... I swear, I'm going to have bladder-incontinence by my eighteenth birthday at this rate), people on the street being fucking faggots... I could go on.
So you'll excuse me if my posts seem a bit empty in that way... I'm not self-censoring out of some irrational fear. After all, this *is* a completely anonymous site, so doing so would be ridiculously conservative anyway. DeadInside/430 Feb 14thAugh... today was even worse than yesterday.
Where do I begin... I woke up at around 14:00 (which is bad enough), but I was still tired. It took me four-and-a-half hours to clean my small bathroom that's not even so dirty.
I've been lethargic and depressed all day, and when I went to throw something away, I hurt myself by bashing my head into the garbage bin's lid... it still hurts, actually.
Fuck this shit. DeadInside/429 Feb 13thSo, I've been feeling rather drained lately... of energy, happiness, or any motivation to do much of anything.
On top of that, I have my long-term depression to deal with, which actually drove my boyfriend to tears a couple of days ago over a suicidal statement I had made.
Usually, after someone has a 'negative' experience relating to suicide (saddened friends or family, death of a friend, or whatever in fuck), they have this 'life-changing epiphany', where they 'will never think about suicide ever again'.
Ah, to have such naïevity myself... I'm on a steady downwards decline, and everybody around me knows this. They'll pretend to give half a shit when I am dead, hanging from a rope in my back-yard, perhaps with some sleep-pills or lye in hand.
In truth, I don't give a shit about all that 'non-suicidal happiness' shit... it simply is not real to me. I feel bad when bringing it up to my boyfriend, because he always gets so sad about it, wanting to prevent it... but we both know that it's going to end badly. I don't really know why he bothers sometimes, even though I love him so much...
I think that, subconciously, I feed on such a strong, shocked reaction... on a purely emotional level, I hate to 'manipulate' my friends and family in such a way. But maybe on a psychological level (on the same plane as my vampyrism), I feed from it... ironically, it may be the only thing that keeps me alive.
I just don't know about much of anything any more. Nothing is worth anything... but so is life, I suppose. I should probably get to bed now, as it's 5:05 AM here, but I really don't care... my insomnia won't let me go to sleep anyway. So fuck it.